Ever since I've been on HER I have wanted to put my angel babies and my living daughter on my signature. It's been hard for me to do though because I've spent a good deal of time the last five years trying to erase the pain and uncertainty and sadness of our losses. Try as hard as I might, even though I've managed to banish the remembrance of some of my babies EDD's I can't banish the remembrance and fear and pain that I felt with each loss. My daughter was born on the anniversary of my most dramatic loss and I've tried to ignore it, but my next daughter is scheduled to be born right around my first loss. In a way I guess it's good to have a positive to help cope with the sad memories, but it's hard to not think about the angels I carried all too briefly over the years. I loved all those babies from the instant I knew they were in me. It was a real source of resentment for me over the years to hear from folks well at least it didn't go longer or at least you know you can become pregnant. That's just not very comforting at the time or really in retrospect. I always felt like it was implied that since it was early the love and attachment weren't there yet.
I think by the time it came to my pg with my daughter after facing the reality in my third pregnancy that I could have died from internal bleeding scared both DH and I to become too attached to other pregnancies. As sick as I've been with HG this time, the attachment has been even harder to come by. It is still no less scary. The thought of being close but still having so far to go.
I hope I don't hurt anyone by posting this here when I know so many are in the boat I was in just a couple years ago of hoping that the next pg will be a sticky bun, but I felt like this was the right place to come with these feelings. It's so frustrating that life, fertility issues and HG have all conspired to take something that should be (I know strike should be from my vocab) a joyful experience and make it one of the scariest, daunting, and miserable journeys of my life. I still harbor jealousy toward those I know who just appear to have such an easy time of pg and birthing babies. How sad is that?
Angel baby 12/2005
Angel baby 5/2006
Angel baby 10/2006
Angel baby 9/2007
My sweet Erin 10/2008 5 lbs 10 ounces: untreated/undiagnosed HG from 6 -37 weeks (delivery)
Baby Riley 12/2010 6 lbs 9 ounces: HG from 6 weeks to delivery at 37 weeks (actually treated--PICC, IVs, subQ pump, Zofran, evil phenergan, benadryl, antacids--and *almost* got to be fluffy in the third tri)