acknowledging my angels

[slterwil]

Ever since I've been on HER I have wanted to put my angel babies and my living daughter on my signature. It's been hard for me to do though because I've spent a good deal of time the last five years trying to erase the pain and uncertainty and sadness of our losses. Try as hard as I might, even though I've managed to banish the remembrance of some of my babies EDD's I can't banish the remembrance and fear and pain that I felt with each loss. My daughter was born on the anniversary of my most dramatic loss and I've tried to ignore it, but my next daughter is scheduled to be born right around my first loss. In a way I guess it's good to have a positive to help cope with the sad memories, but it's hard to not think about the angels I carried all too briefly over the years. I loved all those babies from the instant I knew they were in me. It was a real source of resentment for me over the years to hear from folks well at least it didn't go longer or at least you know you can become pregnant. That's just not very comforting at the time or really in retrospect. I always felt like it was implied that since it was early the love and attachment weren't there yet.

I think by the time it came to my pg with my daughter after facing the reality in my third pregnancy that I could have died from internal bleeding scared both DH and I to become too attached to other pregnancies. As sick as I've been with HG this time, the attachment has been even harder to come by. It is still no less scary. The thought of being close but still having so far to go.

I hope I don't hurt anyone by posting this here when I know so many are in the boat I was in just a couple years ago of hoping that the next pg will be a sticky bun, but I felt like this was the right place to come with these feelings. It's so frustrating that life, fertility issues and HG have all conspired to take something that should be (I know strike should be from my vocab) a joyful experience and make it one of the scariest, daunting, and miserable journeys of my life. I still harbor jealousy toward those I know who just appear to have such an easy time of pg and birthing babies. How sad is that?

[Shyonelisa]

Oh hun, I can only speak for myself, but you are certainly welcome here. When I came out about similar issues some months back, the ladies welcomed me in with open arms. I too resented women with easy breezy pregnancies, and I even had a close friend abort 3 times (no HG, she just didn't want to disappoint her family) all while I couldn't hold one past the first trimester.

I never wanted to be around any of my pregnant friends. Although I loved them, it just reminded me of my own pain. Ironically, I remember reading an article in a health magazine, and I think it changed my life. The article spoke of how women prone to M/C tended to avoid pregnant women and babies, but statistics showed that women who allowed themselves to be happy for others, and to love other people's babies, actually had higher rates of successful pregnancies in the future. It's almost as though the mind begins to associate pregnancy with negativity, and once the body lets these feelings go, it can heal.

Come here as often as you need to, and grieve your babies. I am sure they loved you as much as you loved them. ((HUGS))

[KarenJ]

Sandy,

Losses are losses no matter how they came about or how long they were part of you. The grieving process is the same because they were loved. I have held a lot of my grieving in...let it out. You will be able to move through life easier if you do. I know for me it has been easier to pretend that it didn't happen, but it as only made the process last longer. I am not saying that you get over it, but you can move through life easier if you process your feelings instead of holding them in. I wish I would listen to my own advice! Huggs...


Karen J

[slterwil]

Thanks! You gals get it. I have so been the person who could barely be around pregnant people and babies when I couldn't have my own. I was afraid that I'd break down and cry and never be able to stop. I feel silly that even though I've had one successful pregnancy (and am toward the end of a second one) that I still have the feelings of resentment about the easy breezies. I guess that's HG for ya and having known that desperation of feeling like it would never happen for us. It's weird that usually I have no problem talking about having had losses, but stopping to really think about them, mark the passage of time, and examine how I still feel so tenderly for them is a difficult task. When I really stop and take the time I am very much reminded that it's me I'm talking about and not some distant person removed my time and space. I guess I also feel like a scum bag too because I really just want my body back. I miss being healthy. It's been years now since I've been healthy and whole and I think I'm grieving that too. I know the end is close, but I remember how long it took to recover from HG, an emergency c-section, and the stresses of breastfeeding round the clock. Motherhood is painful and it's definitely not an easy task. I feel like it's the greatest challenge I've ever faced.

You ladies rock! Thank you for the encouragement and understanding.