Letting Go

[Shyonelisa]

This past weekend, dh and I were doing some deep cleaning to prepare the house for baby, and I stumbled across some photos. I've mentioned here before that I suffered several losses, but at its worst, I had almost as many m/c as periods. Every other month or so, I'd be terrified to get my period since I never knew if it would be an actual period or another horrible m/c.

Once I tried confiding in some family members, and I got the feeling that they thought I was making it up, so I took a picture for proof. The last m/c was two months before I got pregnant with ds, and I'm not even sure how far along I was. I woke up with cramping, went to the bathroom, and it literally slid out of me. I grabbed my cellphone and began taking pictures. Once I showed these pictures, most relatives backed off and became sympathetic, although I had one person tell me "maybe it was a baby shaped blood clot." Whatever!

So my question is. . . am I loony for not wanting to get rid of the pictures? I get the feeling that dh wants me to let them go, but I just can't. After years of feeling like I was crazy, these pictures not only validated my concerns, but served as a visual reference to all the other angel babies. Maybe it's morbid, but maybe I don't care. I feel comfortable sharing this here, since I know we all relate to each other in one way or another, so what do you all think?

[slterwil]

I never took pictures of mine, but I remember with one m/c I had at 12 weeks on a camping trip in WV (hour drive from the nearest excuse for a hospital) that I holed myself up in a bathroom after the drive from hell to go to the little hospital to be told it was all over but I was still cramping with contractions. I felt something slide out and I remember just sitting there holding something that I knew had been my baby and I was just a crying mess. That little baby who didn't make it was just as real and important to me as anything else in the world and I always found it fascinating that folks (especially my work) couldn't understand the grief and depression that would always follow one of our losses. It's hard to let go of the angel babies. I no longer mark the passage of some of their estimated due dates, but I do remember no matter how hard I try not to the dates of losses because they unfortunately coincided with holidays and special times in our life. We ones who've lost and who've battled through sickness sure appreciate how valuable and magical life is.

[deb]

keep them!!! you have every right to remember and mourn your lost babies for as long as you like, this will be a part of you for the rest of your life. a visual mrmory can only help you in this.

[E-Mom]

I'm 100% behind you that it's your choice to keep them or let them go. No one gets to tell you how to grieve or for how long. It doesn't sound like DH has strong opinions, just a preference. Do what feels right to you.