This is my sixth pregnancy. I have one living child. I had three miscarriages that after loads of testing and genetic testing for me and my DH came up as idiopathic--you know, basically we don't know why you just can't seem to keep them in there but thanks for spending money on tests the insurance doesn't cover. It was really rough. After the three miscarriages I had a ruptured tubal, only it didn't show up on U/S. I kept hopefully going back looking forward to seeing what was supposed to be in my uterus and crossing my fingers that we'd just miscalculated the dates. That time, with great compassion, my doc suggested a "managed miscarriage" to me, basically a type of abortion. I leapt at the chance to be spared the pain I'd been through of laboring to pass what was left of my failed pregnancies. Thank goodness I did too because after the procedure I was still pregnant according to bloodtests. That's when I was offered either chemo or exploratory surgery to fix things. Thank goodness I chose the exploratory surgery because apparently I had had internal bleeding for days.
For my fifth pregnancy (and this one too) I was put on a regimine by my doc of things that might help me for possible reasons that were unknown why I was miscarrying. I had to take 4mg (way over the normal pregnant dose) of folic acid since I might have a deficiency, a baby aspirin daily in case I was clotting my babies, and progesterone just in case my body is so wacked out it doesn't produce enough. Needless to say, I was so happy to feel so very pregnant and sick with my daughter before that first doc visit. When we saw what was supposed to be there, finally, after all the other times I just cried and cried. But, I was scared the whole pregnancy that it was just too good to be true. For me, the most reassuring thing was getting to the point that I felt her kick and move around in there. I was convinced that it could all be taken away like before. I went into early labor at 25 weeks and again at 27 due to dehydration, though we didn't quite realize it at the time. Both times they used medicine to stop the labor and then finally gave me a prescription to take at the first sign of contractions until I was 36 weeks. The goal was to make it to 30 weeks and I made it to 37.
This time around I'm at 13 1/2 weeks. I'm still scared all the time, especially since I've been sicker this time and unable to stay hydrated like with my daughter. Today, to combat that, I did something positive for my mental outlook, I cleaned out the bassinet and got out the boxes of baby clothes that have been burried in my daughter's closet to have ready to sort through when we find out the sex in a little while. I just had to do it. I had to say, yep I know it's early still, but I'm optimistic this one is going to go all the way too. I feel better than I've felt in days just acknowledging how much I really do want this little one to get here safely no matter how miserable I have felt and feel. I can't wait to feel the kicking this time. It made every day of being sick worth it. I look at my daughter now and just marvel at her.
Angel baby 12/2005
Angel baby 5/2006
Angel baby 10/2006
Angel baby 9/2007
My sweet Erin 10/2008 5 lbs 10 ounces: untreated/undiagnosed HG from 6 -37 weeks (delivery)
Baby Riley 12/2010 6 lbs 9 ounces: HG from 6 weeks to delivery at 37 weeks (actually treated--PICC, IVs, subQ pump, Zofran, evil phenergan, benadryl, antacids--and *almost* got to be fluffy in the third tri)