My Recent traumatic HG Loss of twins.......

[samarpana]

I am fairly new to this forum and just wanted to share my HG story of loss. It was my first pregnancy at the age of 37 and I was excited. Little did I know....... HG runs in my family. My Mom suffered it 4 times. Once it was so bad for her that the medications and IVs did not work and the doctor told her to terminate the pregnancy or she would die! So she did. She suspected this was a hereditary problem and never once bothered to warn me. I got pregnant totally blind to this fact. Then the HG hit fast and furious and spiraled out of control. Unfortunately, my downward spiral was so severe and I became so debilitated that I felt like I was dying and losing my mind at the same time. Also, I was prepared to pay for a "normal" pregnancy, but have no medical insurance. Additionally, I did not qualify for medical aid because my income was "too high". So there was absolutely no way I could have paid for the medical help necessary to get through a severe HG pregnancy. To make matters worse, I was pregnant with twins. Super High risk all around...... from my perspective it was a recipe for personal, physical and financial disaster. I just couldn't do that to myself, or my husband. He was getting ill and fatigued right along with me, just trying to take care of me. In my desperation and lack of care and support, I terminated a very much wanted pregnancy at 7 weeks. It was the worst day of my life.

I am aware that many are able to make it through HG pregnancies and can get the care they need. In my situation, I feel that I had no other option. It has been one month since my pregnancy ended and I do not regret the choice I made. This was not in my best interest or my husband's. I only regret the fact that nature and genetics dealt me such a lousy hand of cards, so to speak. I hate the fact that I don't feel like my body is normal. I feel cheated and robbed of any kind of "normal" pregnancy experience. I feel cheated and robbed of being able to have the "normal" life experience of having children that others enjoy. I have decided never to attempt pregnancy again because of this. The risk is too great for me on so many levels, irregardless of the rewards of children. My body is still ravaged, after only 7 weeks of it! I can't imagine what it would have done to me in 9 months. Plus I would never, ever want to experience an abortion again. So for me this is a terrible loss of the pregnancy as well as a terrible loss of any future children.

I do have one very interesting insight I want to share that is helping me to heal from my loss.: During the time that I had the HG, I received aggressive hypnotherapy sessions on a daily basis for 2 weeks (my husband is a hypnotherapist). I know HG is not caused by the mind or emotions, but we wanted to see if we could uncover any subconscious information about it. AND we wanted to try to see if we could get the subconscious mind to shift the body (hormonally or otherwise) so that I could continue the pregnancy. Unfortunately, it didn't work. My body would not shift. However, while I was in a deep hypnotic state, some surprising info. came out. The words that came out of my mouth were as follows: "This is my Mother's body. I am literally HER body. I am not back in her womb (as myself) I am actually HER body. This is her experience. This is everything she experienced, thought and felt while she was pregnant with me." I know this may sound very strange or bizarre to people reading it, but this piece of information brings me a lot of comfort. The reason for this is because it validates to me that the HG was not my fault, so it got me out of self-blame and guilt very fast. It also helps me to separate the inner peace I feel on a "soul level" from the physical experience of chaos that can come from the genetically-complicated human body..... Whacky, I know. But that is what truly happened. Thanks for reading with an open mind.

[Barbnj]

I'm sorry for your loss. My ta was at 10 wks and I was right there
next to you out of my mind from being violently ill. I begged my
ob for help time and time again but she said they dont treat until after
the first trimenter. Then I found this site too late. Im angry and sad
I was not given the proper help even with ins coverage.
My mother breezed thru 5 pregnancies. Even with me and my
sister, yes I'm a twin and she had no idea she was carrying both
of us until she had to push again?? This disease is dreadful.
And I will forever remember my loss until it is my chosen time.
I was slightly medicated during my TA but was awake enough to
hear my own screams.
I'm sorry for yr loss of yr two angels.

Barb

[samarpana]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is truly a comfort to know that there are others who go through similar situations. I felt like a freak when it first happened to me (before I knew about HG). So it's been a big help to learn about people's experiences with it. Plus, there is so much social stigma about ab. So there are very few people I can talk to and tell the truth to (people who might understand, anyway). But when some one else has been there..... they know. And I appreciate connecting and being able to share in this way.

[luptus2000]

I did the same. I terminated my first , very much wanted pregnancy. Something what I'm going to regret for rest of my life.
Hugs!

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

Thanks for sharing here! i´m sorry you had to go through that. what a shame about not being covered. The system was not there for you, but I should not get on my bandwagon here. I´m just mad the system failed you.

Much love. HG sucks. Did your mom think not telling you would prevent you from having it?

[MichellevsHG]

I traveled that dark, lonely road in '92. You are not alone in your grief . . . HG has robbed every one of us. It is not fair.

[samarpana]

I'm not sure why she didn't tell me. But yes, she probably did think that by not telling me..... I somehow wouldn't get HG. It's ridiculous, I know. Also, I think she was tortured by the fact that she had an abortion. Plus she has a lot of fear of what other people think. So in her mind, by keeping it quiet, the experience doesn't exist and no one can "think badly" of her. She kind of buried it away in "the closet", so to speak. Of course I am infuriated because for 10 years she's been hounding me to have kids so she can be a grandma. And she totally let me go into this horrible nightmare blind. She must of had amnesia, or just pure ignorance..... I don't know. I'm sorry to say such harsh words about my own Mom, but I'm a bit angry......

[E-Mom]

This is a perfect place to share your story. You will never be judged here.

I'm sorry for your loss on all levels.

[screamin']

I'm sorry for your losses on many levels.
HG is simply horrible. you poored that into words very well.
about your mom. my mother didn't throw up once when pgt with the 4 of us. the genetic story behind HG is not yet well understood. I understand that she didn't want to scare you off too much. nobody knows in advance whether someone is going to have HG.

you sound like you are close to finding peace. I so hope you find peace. we're here to listen when things get rough.

[victoriaszen]

I'm so sorry and send you {{{hugs}}} and love!

I hope that you will continue to heal and that as time goes on you will fill the absense of children in your life with something that brings you with passion and joy. Nothing can ever fill that void completely, but it is my hope that something will and that you will find a sense of peace and acceptence.

HG is such a monster.