I am fairly new to this forum and just wanted to share my HG story of loss. It was my first pregnancy at the age of 37 and I was excited. Little did I know....... HG runs in my family. My Mom suffered it 4 times. Once it was so bad for her that the medications and IVs did not work and the doctor told her to terminate the pregnancy or she would die! So she did. She suspected this was a hereditary problem and never once bothered to warn me. I got pregnant totally blind to this fact. Then the HG hit fast and furious and spiraled out of control. Unfortunately, my downward spiral was so severe and I became so debilitated that I felt like I was dying and losing my mind at the same time. Also, I was prepared to pay for a "normal" pregnancy, but have no medical insurance. Additionally, I did not qualify for medical aid because my income was "too high". So there was absolutely no way I could have paid for the medical help necessary to get through a severe HG pregnancy. To make matters worse, I was pregnant with twins. Super High risk all around...... from my perspective it was a recipe for personal, physical and financial disaster. I just couldn't do that to myself, or my husband. He was getting ill and fatigued right along with me, just trying to take care of me. In my desperation and lack of care and support, I terminated a very much wanted pregnancy at 7 weeks. It was the worst day of my life.
I am aware that many are able to make it through HG pregnancies and can get the care they need. In my situation, I feel that I had no other option. It has been one month since my pregnancy ended and I do not regret the choice I made. This was not in my best interest or my husband's. I only regret the fact that nature and genetics dealt me such a lousy hand of cards, so to speak. I hate the fact that I don't feel like my body is normal. I feel cheated and robbed of any kind of "normal" pregnancy experience. I feel cheated and robbed of being able to have the "normal" life experience of having children that others enjoy. I have decided never to attempt pregnancy again because of this. The risk is too great for me on so many levels, irregardless of the rewards of children. My body is still ravaged, after only 7 weeks of it! I can't imagine what it would have done to me in 9 months. Plus I would never, ever want to experience an abortion again. So for me this is a terrible loss of the pregnancy as well as a terrible loss of any future children.
I do have one very interesting insight I want to share that is helping me to heal from my loss.: During the time that I had the HG, I received aggressive hypnotherapy sessions on a daily basis for 2 weeks (my husband is a hypnotherapist). I know HG is not caused by the mind or emotions, but we wanted to see if we could uncover any subconscious information about it. AND we wanted to try to see if we could get the subconscious mind to shift the body (hormonally or otherwise) so that I could continue the pregnancy. Unfortunately, it didn't work. My body would not shift. However, while I was in a deep hypnotic state, some surprising info. came out. The words that came out of my mouth were as follows: "This is my Mother's body. I am literally HER body. I am not back in her womb (as myself) I am actually HER body. This is her experience. This is everything she experienced, thought and felt while she was pregnant with me." I know this may sound very strange or bizarre to people reading it, but this piece of information brings me a lot of comfort. The reason for this is because it validates to me that the HG was not my fault, so it got me out of self-blame and guilt very fast. It also helps me to separate the inner peace I feel on a "soul level" from the physical experience of chaos that can come from the genetically-complicated human body..... Whacky, I know. But that is what truly happened. Thanks for reading with an open mind.