I hit my breaking point yesterday. I have had HG since I was 5 weeks along. I turned 12 weeks today. I had a couple good days last week and was hopeful things were turning around, but I am feeling AWFUL again. I was throwing up all day Monday, and felt terrible yesterday, too. I thought things were getting better, but they are getting bad again.
I've been to the ER 3 times, hospitalized once at 6 weeks, and have been to the outpatient infusion center at the hospital for fluids. I can't even THINK about going to the hospital for fluids because it sends me into a full blown panic attack. Since being pregnant, my existing anxiety disorder has gotten so bad. I've also developed hyperthyroidism causing my heart to feel like it's pounding out of my chest among other symptoms. I am on so much medication that I worry about my baby constantly. 8 mg. Zofran, Reglan, a beta-blocker, Zoloft, Vistaril, and on occassion I take Klonopin because the anxiety is so bad. The doctors say they can't do anything else for me, and I have to "tough it out". (Their words exactly.) They won't do a PICC line since I'm not vomiting as much anymore.
I have 3 children. This pregnancy wasn't planned, but wanted. We were very excited when we found out we were having our fourth - until the HG set in. I had undiagnosed HG with my last child and that resolved around 14-15 weeks. I had NVP with my older two children. This experience with HG is like nothing I've ever experienced before.
I spent all night crying, I feel like I can't take another second. I cry out to God to help me, and I get nothing. No relief. I pray for a miscarriage. I had some spotting yesterday and I was THRILLED.
I feel awful for being happy at the thought I could be miscarrying. I feel like a terrible person for all of these thoughts I'm having. I even looked up abortion clinics last night and woke up this morning just wanting to be DONE with it all and have my life back. I'm in a constant state of despair. Not only has it affected MY life, but my husband's and children's too. My little girl cries all the time because she hates to see me like this. My family hasn't had a wife or mother for weeks. My husband is extremely supportive, he's been doing everything around the house for the past few weeks. Our son is in daycare during the day because I simply don't have the strength to take care of him.
I had an abortion @ 6 weeks many years ago...not because of HG, it was because my boyfriend and I weren't careful. I promised myself I would never do that again. And now here I am considering it again. My whole family knows about my pregnancy, even my kids. Both sides of our family are VERY pro-life and they would never forgive me if they found out I had a TA. I could never tell my kids the truth, I would have to tell everyone I miscarried. I hate that I would have to lie to everyone...that only makes me feel guiltier about it.
Any words of advice? My husband isn't very supportive when it comes to the TA. All he says is "I won't stop you".
HELP. I'm confused and scared.