Please help: Considering TA (may be triggering) LONG

[kates111]

I hit my breaking point yesterday. I have had HG since I was 5 weeks along. I turned 12 weeks today. I had a couple good days last week and was hopeful things were turning around, but I am feeling AWFUL again. I was throwing up all day Monday, and felt terrible yesterday, too. I thought things were getting better, but they are getting bad again.
I've been to the ER 3 times, hospitalized once at 6 weeks, and have been to the outpatient infusion center at the hospital for fluids. I can't even THINK about going to the hospital for fluids because it sends me into a full blown panic attack. Since being pregnant, my existing anxiety disorder has gotten so bad. I've also developed hyperthyroidism causing my heart to feel like it's pounding out of my chest among other symptoms. I am on so much medication that I worry about my baby constantly. 8 mg. Zofran, Reglan, a beta-blocker, Zoloft, Vistaril, and on occassion I take Klonopin because the anxiety is so bad. The doctors say they can't do anything else for me, and I have to "tough it out". (Their words exactly.) They won't do a PICC line since I'm not vomiting as much anymore.
I have 3 children. This pregnancy wasn't planned, but wanted. We were very excited when we found out we were having our fourth - until the HG set in. I had undiagnosed HG with my last child and that resolved around 14-15 weeks. I had NVP with my older two children. This experience with HG is like nothing I've ever experienced before.
I spent all night crying, I feel like I can't take another second. I cry out to God to help me, and I get nothing. No relief. I pray for a miscarriage. I had some spotting yesterday and I was THRILLED. I feel awful for being happy at the thought I could be miscarrying. I feel like a terrible person for all of these thoughts I'm having. I even looked up abortion clinics last night and woke up this morning just wanting to be DONE with it all and have my life back. I'm in a constant state of despair. Not only has it affected MY life, but my husband's and children's too. My little girl cries all the time because she hates to see me like this. My family hasn't had a wife or mother for weeks. My husband is extremely supportive, he's been doing everything around the house for the past few weeks. Our son is in daycare during the day because I simply don't have the strength to take care of him.
I had an abortion @ 6 weeks many years ago...not because of HG, it was because my boyfriend and I weren't careful. I promised myself I would never do that again. And now here I am considering it again. My whole family knows about my pregnancy, even my kids. Both sides of our family are VERY pro-life and they would never forgive me if they found out I had a TA. I could never tell my kids the truth, I would have to tell everyone I miscarried. I hate that I would have to lie to everyone...that only makes me feel guiltier about it.
Any words of advice? My husband isn't very supportive when it comes to the TA. All he says is "I won't stop you". HELP. I'm confused and scared.

[justme]

Honestly I think the first thing you need to do is be admitted and get fully hydrated and get the HG under control. I know that is a sucky answer when you have a job and kids and everything is spiraling out of control. But you don't want to make a decision of this magnitude without being in a good place mentally and dehydration seriously affects you mentally. There are lots of women who have made the very decision you are contemplating because of the seriously debilitating nature of HG - some are okay with it and others or not. It seems to me after 4 years here that most who do have a TA go on to try again so you may want to consider that. These weeks that you have behind you are just that - weeks that you won't have to go through again. Each moment is a moment closer to this baby.

When I was in your position I was very lucky as when I brough up TA my husband was in fact very supportive. Still, it was a very hard decision to live with and work through (and in the end I did have a miscarriage). There are no words that can ever express the emotional turmoil that many of the women are left with after terminating because of hg. I do recommend that you spend some time (if you haven't) reading through the grief forum and hearing our stories. Also, discuss the decision with a spirtual leader or counselor to help you make a decision. Many religions are supportive of TAs for medical reasons and you may be surprised to find the help there that you may need to get through this.

Also, if your doctor says they can't do anymore - what about trying to find another doctor? And yes I know that is extremely hard while in the midst of serious hg. Are there people in your community that can help you take care of the kids, plan meals, etc? Jump into the preparation folder to get some quick help ideas. Or have your husband do it.

I do think that 8 mg of zofran seems low. I think - though I am no doctor - that you can take up to 32 mg a day. I know that I took a lot more than 8. Some people react negatively to Reglan and it can cause anxiety. Maybe you could substitute phenegran for the reglan. Although some people also react to this. Also there is a b6/unisom combo that you can take.

I had tremendous anxiety during my last pregnancy and it is difficult to deal with. In addition to the medicine, I also recommend counseling and a variety of relaxation techniques. I am not saying this to belittle you, but from my own personal experience during my last pregnancy. It can help some people and there is absolutely no harm in trying it.

I am so sorry that you have hg and are suffering so badly. I understand you thinking the things you are thinking - they are common for hg sufferers. I believe we once did a poll that showed that 80% (?) of hg sufferers consider terminating or wish for a miscarriage. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes it a bad disease. My prayers are with you. Don't make any decisions hastily. Remember once the pregnancy is over the hg will be gone.

Hugs,
Karen

[victoriaszen]

I have been thinking of you....when you are able, pm me or post here. I'd love to know how you are doing. {{{hugs}}}

[justme]

I too have been wondering how you are doing also.

Hugs,
Karen

[kates111]

Hello,
Just an update...I decided against TA. I spoke to my pastor yesterday and I also have other appointments set up to help me through this. I also spoke to a psychologist I've been seeing, and he gave me a good piece of advice that helped me make my decision. He said to go about my day as if I had already made the decision, and see how I felt.
I'm going to go to the first trimester board; hopefully having other people that are going through the same thing will help me.

[justme]

I am glad to hear that you have made the right decision for you and are getting some good support. I can't waiti to hear you wonderful birth announcement - sooner than you think.

Hugs,
Karen

[Barbnj]

I almost wished someone would of suggested that to me
to go out about my day as if we did the TA....unfort I had not
found this wonderful supportive group or it's members
before it was to late for me. After a 27 pound weight loss in
6 wks and no end in sight I made the dreadful decision to
terminate my very much wanted Ivf baby. The annv of our
due date and the annv of my TA is approaching. I know
although I have forgiven myself for not having proper medical
care I regret our decision and will forever. We have no other
children so every place I go, I see new little babies in the arms
of their mothers something I will never experience in my lifetime.
Read all you can, write down or print it to paper. IF I had found
this life line in the midst of my severe hg I would have had a higher
voice demanding quality care.
I'm so happy you are moving fwd and wish you the best until you hold
you next miracle in your arms.
I write to support you, and to cleanse my spirit of pain.

Best Wishes.....Barbara

[victoriaszen]

Barbara, I'm so sorry. I send you {{{hugs}}} and will once again say, HG is a monster. I hope that you will find peace and somehow your heart will feel whole.

[kates111]

Oh Barbara....I'm so sorry.
(((HUGS)))

[Barbnj]

Thank You Ladies. Hg is indeed a monster. I had no clue just
how bad of a monster it was until our journey.
Now we're left with 4 frozen embies. My husband wont let us
donate them, I cant seem to let them go. My age and state
of my health renders them useless and surrogate was $70,000
a impossible task. I just got the storage bill again and cant
keep them frozen forever. This is another tragedy.

xxoo

[samarpana]

I am so happy to hear you will be seeking the help and support you need to get through the HG experience. I think its the only way to get through it and make it happen: Good care, and good support from all angles. I also experienced an HG pregnancy and had all the same feelings you did. It sounds like a mirror of what I went through. So you are not alone. However, in my case I did chose to terminate at 7 weeks. Unfortunately, I did not qualify for state medical aid, nor did I have insurance. All my family lives far away and my poor husband could not manage to do everything on his own. So I did not have enough care at home either and I was completely debilitated. I couldn't even get water for myself (not that I could keep water down anyway!) I was pregnant with twins, which made the decision excruciating.

After termination, I grieved heavily for 2 weeks and blamed myself for everything. However, in the end, I know that I made the right decision for my particular situation (lack of medical access). I have heard several accounts about what an HG pregnancy could cost. And I don't have the ability to pay. Without any help, and no access, there was no way my body could have supported twins. I learned that HG with twins can be even more intense and high risk. I did make my decision in the midst of dehydration and intense suffering. My brain functioning was severely compromised. So it is true that no one should make a decision in that state. Particularly if you have the medical resources to see it through to the end. I believe the survival part of the brain kicks into gear and wants to get you out of the situation fast, without being able to see other options which might be available to you.

Even though my termination happened only a few weeks ago (march 17th), I have found some peace about it. I am not feeling regret or suffering or intense self blame on a daily basis anymore. I can look at babies and pregnant women and feel at peace, rather than sorrow. I have decided not to try to get pregnant again and I am ok with that. My life was fulfilling before, and will continue to be, even without children. The only thing lingering for me now is a little bit of anger towards a medical system that excludes reasonable access for people like myself. But I will get over that too. I am relieved to know that many people can get the care they need and don't have to end it like I did. Again, it is really wonderful you are getting help. Sending you all the best wishes.