:(

[Caitlin's mom]

Girls, I know i haven't posted in forever, but I don't know where to turn. FB and even my blog leave me too vulnerable, for the nonunderstanding people in my life. No one can find me here...

It's been nine months since Brendan died, and I feel I'm deteriorating, mentally and physically. The HG took a bad toll on me health wise. The worst being I have diabetic neuropathy in my eyes and i can no longer see out of my left eye. I've had laser surgery on it and will probably have to have another more invasive surgery to prevent me from totally going blind. And if that doesn't work I'm SOL.

I would rather be dead than be blind. To be a burden on my family. And I'm not going to kill myself, I won't. I won't do that to my daughter. But I'm feeling very unsettled, like I need to get things in order. I'm fucking 32 years old and I have this terrible feeling I'm not going to make it to 35. HG has taken everything from me.

I can't stop the sadness. My husband is not a bad man, but he doesn't know how to take care of me. He wants his old wife back and she checked out a long time ago. I'm afraid and anxious all the time, but no one can help me.

[Corrine]

Sweetie I'm so sorry you are struggling like this. Brendan was such a gift and I know it was horrible when you lost him. I know you did everything to save him, even sacrificing your own health. I so wish you weren't having health issues now. HG steals so much from us.

Have you been able to find some help yet (counsellor, etc)?

My thoughts are with you. I hope you find some peace and health in the near future.

[Schatje]

You need intensive therapy to work through all of this and medication to help with the depression. It is going to take work, a lot of work and time, but you can do it. Forget about those who think you should be over it, forget about the people who just want you to put on a happy face and move on and focus completely on you healing. You will always have scars just as you will always remember and love Brendan, but you also deserve to live a happy life no matter how long you are here for. It is just that for some of us happiness doesn't just come, instead it is tough work.

[jarezuny]

HUGE hugs.

You have experienced just SO many trying things in the past year (9 months seems like forever ago and yesterday all at once)... Those are all HUGE things for someone to deal with. There is no way you can be expected to just snap back to your old self.

Medications for depression can help you get to a place where you are able to talk through all the thoughts and feelings that you are having. And all of that is VERY hard work and takes so much courage. But you can do it. And I hope DH can support you in a journey to help you work through all of that.

You will never be that same woman that you were before. DH will never get his old wife back. You've been through far too much and I don't think you would want to simply erase the past - especially not Brendan. But you can find a new place that feels better for yourself and for your family. I sincerely hope that you are able to get to that place.

Thinking of you!

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

These wise and wonderful women said it all. I know you will find healing, and a way to cope and find peace. It will take time and lots of support. You are just where you need to be, and yes, forget about those who do not support you and do not understand that you can´t just "get over it." Ugh! Huge hugs, darling.

[deb]

hugest hugs, bridget!! i agree, you need to focus entirely on grieving and healing and you will need therapy and probably meds to do this. but you can do it!! you've shown such strength in what you were willing to go through for brendan and that strength is still there, i'm sure of it, but you will need help tapping into it.

thinking of you!! and do keep posting here if you need to. this is such a safe haven, i find.

[screamin']

the others said it very well. you need to find a way to work through all that you have been and are still going through. grieving a baby is so hard. and processing the HG that is still torturing you is double hard. to acknowledge this is the first step towards healing and finding some balance.
I wish you lots of love and understanding.

[Caitlin's mom]

Thank you for the replies, I do appreciate all the support and prayers.

The day after I posted,I got a bad flu bug (yuck) went home from work early and slept for about 24 hours. I have been doing better emotionally since them, I actually think I was suffering from exhaustion ( and the darling children from my job keep giving me illnesses).

In terms of meds I am on 20 mgs of Prozac once a day and I take I Ambien at night to help me sleep. I have beeen seeing a couselour about once every two weeks and I find it helpful. I did get ahold of her after I first posted and now we have a plan if I start feeling "that way" again. Also, I've been formally diagnosed with depression and PTSD (another lovely gift from HG) and we are taking steps to identify the triggers (and there are many) and how I can work through them. But you are all right, it is going to take a very long time. Although i feel in some small ways i am beginning to feel "alive " again rather than just going through the motions, I still have so much anger and despair.

Thank you all for your help.
Love,
Bridget

[deb]

bridget, this is a wonderful update, i'm so glad to read it! i know there is a long hard road ahead of you still, but you sound so much better already. more ready to tackle it, iykwim.

much love and strength to you!!!

[*Mel*]

love ya Bridget and remember you can call and talk to me whenever if you need it!

[MichellevsHG]

Thinking of you today Bridget *hugs*

[Kate]

I love you Bridget!!!! hugs