No Heartbeat

[anna8660]

Well I went today for my ultrasound and they could not find a heartbeat, so they scheduled me for a D& tomorrow and then it will just be over.

I am really not OK right now, but I know that this too shall pass and I am still very fortunate in life I have much to be thankful for so I will try not to stay down too long.

Thank you alll for your support and prayers, HG women really do have the biggest hearts of all

Anna

[IslandDreamer]

(((Anna)))

I'm so sorry. I emailed you.

Sending love and hugs. Let us know how we can help.

Suzanne

[Kariinbliss]

How are you doing now? We had the same thing happen yesterday. All of a sudden on Monday, I stopped throwing up and could eat again. I was only 10 weeks, 4 days... so knew it was too early for HG to be gone. Doc wanted to see me yesterday (since I was still eating everything in sight), and they couldn't find a heartbeat. We did the d&c this morning. The doc swore that it wasn't because of the HG, the baby was perfect as far as he could see... he was the right size and everything. His little heart just stopped. Probably a genetic abnormality, which would be consistent with my age. (37) I am feeling so guilty because I am so happy to have the HG GONE. Nobody understands our particular hell, and they are expecting me to be falling apart. I AM upset, devastated really... but I just keep thinking that I can be a mom to my other 2 kids again and not put them through the stress of dealing with my HG. They weren't handling the home health care and hospital visits well. I am so missing this baby and all the possibilities his little life held. I am also trying to keep in mind the blessings of my two girls and the possibilities their lives still hold. Has anybody else felt this way?

[anna8660]

Hi Karin
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, on top of HG it seems so unfair!

I understand the mixed emotions, and the joy of being able to enjoy life and your children again.

I was not really that sick this time, so I was just disappointed to know that I was probably not sick because everything was not OK.

I totally remember wishing for miscarriages in previos pregnancies.

Its OK you have mixed emotions, its normal, its like you were cured from one miserable illness, but have to deal with the devastating loss.

email me if you want anna_watson1@msn.com

if you need anything,
I am at work now but will try to write again later

[IslandDreamer]

Dear Karin,

I'm so very sorry about your baby.

How are you holding up? Is your body doing okay after the surgery?

I had the similar experience of losing Hope at 10 weeks after three trips to the ER and nasty HG. Pretty much just as I got used to the idea of being pg and having HG, my baby left me. It's heartwrenching under any circumstance, but when we fight for survival and for our babies so hard, it's an additional blow.

Let us know how you're going, okay? We care and will support you. Deepest sympathies.

Love,
Suzanne

[Kariinbliss]

Thank you so much, Anna and Suzanne.

This is so hard, it just amazes me. I can't sleep at all anymore, just never get tired. It's like my body is afraid to take a break. I feel like I just have to keep going all the time. It's been hard to "take it easy" like the doc said, but I've been doing ok. Physically, I feel that the healing process is moving right along... of course not as fast as I would like (of course people reminding me that it takes a while to heal after having a baby doesn't help.... arrrrrrgh). Today my dh and I got into quite a spat, he is feeling cranky and put upon (I asked him to fix a few things around the house before his relatives come next weekend) and decided to throw his negativity my way. I let him know that I have been amazingly cheerful this week (really, I have... it's scary) and haven't complained or cried at all... mostly for his and the kids' benefit. So if he thinks that he can just throw his attitude my way and I will just take it, he's WRONG. Then I broke down and cried. I just couldn't take it anymore, enough already. He was so supportive when I was sick, and until I had the surgery... now it is "behind us" and I should be able to handle everything again. Well, I'm just not ready, I guess. The sermon at church today was about people dying and going to heaven, and I barely made it without bawling my eyes out. Dh wants me to call the pastor and ask what happens in our situation, what does the church say about babies that die before they ever have a chance to live?

On a related subject, I was thinking last night how much I would like it if someone made a little doll that was anatomically correct for different stages of gestation... so people like me could hold SOMETHING in my hands that represented my lost baby. Dh thinks it's creepy, but I really think it would help me. It just doesn't seem real how small he was, or what he looked like... although we have u/s pics. I don't know if that's creepy or not, but am going to look for something online. Have you girls felt like that? Like you needed something that represented the little one you lost?

It really doesn't seem fair that we have to fight so very hard to stay alive for our babies, then they are taken away anyhow. Especially when docs say how "unusual" it is for women with HG to miscarry, given the high levels of hormones we deal with. I held on to that the whole time... that at least I wouldn't miscarry because I was so sick.

Sorry this is such a novel, guess I'm just emotional today.

Kari
Mom to:
Amy... born 1/20/92
Melissa... born 2/13/95
Alexander James... returned to heaven 6/20/05

[Kariinbliss]

Just wanted to let you guys know that I did find a person that makes developmentally correct dolls for all different stages of fetal development. If you are interested, check out Godslittleones.com. Take care.

Kari

[IslandDreamer]

I was going to send you to that site. Glad you found it. And YES, I totally a Hope doll. I held one at a ProLife booth at an art fair and it felt incredibly good. (Also, I saw and held Hope and she was about your baby's age when she died, so I can tell you about that if you want me to. Let me know when you're ready.)

Don't worry about what others think, even dh. Take care of your heart right now. You have every right to grieve.

What church do you attend? I've got a bunch of Christian texts in resources. I've also found a Jewish and some Hindu items that I've not had reviewed, so I'm hesistating to post those. Let me know.

This is incredibly hard, and don't deny yourself the grief you feel. Your baby has died, and you have every right to feel whatever you feel.

Love,
Suzanne

[Kariinbliss]

Do you have any idea what a Godsend you (and this whole site) are?? I would love to hear about your little Hope if it isn't too hard for you. If you want to just e-mail me, my addy is Blissedoutlady@aol.com. My doctor said there was no way I could see my little one, because of the whole surgery angle. If I had delivered him at home, of course, it would have been different. Thank you so much again.

Kari
mom to:
Amy... born 1/20/92
Melissa... born 2/13/95
Alexander James... returned to heaven 6/20/05

[Marie]

Kari,

I am so sorry for you loss. You and your angel are in my prayers.

Take Care,
Marie

[Kariinbliss]

Just found out that our town has E. coli in the water, and has for at least a few weeks. Could this have had anything to do with my sickness or loss??? Should I ask the doctor tomorrow? What do you think? Now I am kind of regretting not getting the testing done to find a cause for his death.

[Trudy]

Kari and Anna
I'm so sorry for your losses. I've been there too with our twins and know at times that the grief can be unbearable. But its so important to go through that journey and not push it away. I know for me I couldn't conceive again (despite trying) until I had worked through it.

Kari,
My Dh was the same. Its only now that he admits he needs to work this through.

We are a Christian family (not sure which religion you are so please don't be offended if you are another religion). The story of the Philippian jailer Acts 16:25-34 comes to mind. v31 "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved, you [u]and your household[/u]". I hold on to this. Our twins never got the opportunity to choose to believe for themselves but we have and therefore we believe that our decision covers them. Right after we found out that our twins had died this was confirmed to us... that we had enabled them to live on in heaven. I know beyond all doubt that I will hold our babies in heaven and one day we will be a complete family in eternity.

Take care
Trudy

[Ivydragon]

Kari, I am so sorry for your loss. (I am emailing Anna privately, so I'm not slighting her in writing to you). In my religion, we believe heavily in Eternal Life, and the opportunity to become Eternal Families. It is why I invest myself so much in my children and my husband. We are taught that children are innocent until they are baptized at age eight, and if they die before this age at which they can be accountable for their own actions that they automatically inherit the Kingdom of God in Heaven. Last summer I was contemplating and missing so dearly our baby that we miscarried at 7.5 weeks, two years ago this month. It was one of those quiet moments when I got to lay in bed and think in the morning. Instead of just curling up and crying, I was really wondering if the baby was a girl, or a boy, and then received a powerful impression that the baby had been a girl, and could feel such a strong bond with my daughter. My husband has no doubt that because I feel such a closeness with this child that she will be ours for Eternity, and I have heard other references to being able to raise the children you have lost in heaven. Some days when life is hard, and I question some of my choices, I endure what I have been taught is right because I want so badly to be that Eternal Family unit with my daughter, whom I have lost.

I didn't have a delivery. I had an ectopic pg, and the small amount of material that was discharged during my few extruciating cramps was all tested and found to be maternal material. The baby had formed outside of my uterus and fallopian tubes - making it appear that I had 3 ovaries, and I don't. I am facinated by these little tickers at the bottom of posts, and always look to see if anyone is as far along as I was, and am amazed at what my little baby was doing when we discovered there was nothing in my uterus. They gave me methotrexate, and then repeatedly tested my blood to make sure my pg hormones were going down to zero. I miscarried with three children already in my family. It is what you hold on to - their need to keep life going as normally as possible, the birthday party that is the weekend after you miscarry.

Many women suggested that I plant a tree or float candles on the water to represent my child, my loss. I was moving, and knew I wasn't going to stay in the house I was in - not reallizing then where I'd end up. I didn't want to plant something at my inlaws, either. We were not near any deceant water - The Great Salt Lake isn't exactly visitor friendly, lol, or a beautiful green place, and I didn't like the idea of my remembrance and goodbye for my child stuck in Utah, because we didn't want to stay there either! So I spent my summer finishing a cross-stitch that my husband gave to me. Hours of work (years, really) - there is a dove that I did near the end. It's of a Japanese Woman in a garden, and she is walking, enjoying the cherry blossoms on the tree, and yet looking back over her shoulder at a dove who has come to visit her - yet the dove has not landed, but is hovering in the air as she looks at it. That dove to me represents my child, who came to visit me, so strongly that I knew her presence, and then had to leave me. So I look at that from time to time, and it is my own private little remembrance of my daughter - right now, the only one I have. I'm contemplating a scrapbook page to remember her bye, to acknowledge her presence so that they don't all forget. I certainly cannot.

Sometimes it really is just one day at a time, one month at a time, one year at a time. My dh forgot my due date - so remind yours! My friends from here remembered, and it meant the world to me. I still have not forgiven my husband for forgetting my due date, January 23, 2004. Time does help you forget, though - I have forgotten the date I miscarried, and didn't even think of it this year when it was early June. Progress. One little thing at a time, making life a little easier, but never forgetting such a precious child.

Huge hugs, Andy

[Kariinbliss]

Thank you so much Trudy and Andy and Marie, it helps so much to hear from women who have been through the same thing. I did talk to our pastor this morning (we are Lutheran, btw), and he confirmed that our little one is resting in the arms of Jesus and we will meet him someday. It was really helpful for me to hear that, although in my heart I knew already. There is even a specific liturgy for stillborns that our church can do, but I don't think that is necessary. Don't know what my dh will want to do, but he'll probably be ok just hearing from the pastor. He was really insistent about me calling. His extreme crankiness is his way of processing the whole thing, and I guess we'll just have to take it with a grain of salt and keep reminding him that we are all stressed out and dealing with grief, so try to ease up.

I did order a "micropreemie" comfort doll yesterday, it should be here in about 8 weeks. He will come dressed in a hat, diaper and blanket, and in a tiny bassinet. That will be my memorial at this point, although I would like to plant a tree or something. I do understand your reluctance to plant one where you don't plan to stay... as of yesterday I wanted to move NOW because I didn't think I could stay in this house anymore. Too many memories. At some point, I'm going to have to remind dh of my due date... it is the same as our oldest's, but he will probably want to forget it, and I'm sure I won't. I totally understand your having a feeling of the gender of your baby... I don't have any proof that our little one was a boy except for the totally firm knowledge in my heart. From the day we conceived the little guy, we just knew. Anyhow, thank you both so much. Thanks everybody so much.

[AmberWest]

Anna and Kariin,
I am so very sorry to hear of your losses. I think it is normal to be thankful that your life and health has a chance to return to more balanced levels yet be in emotional pain over your loss. It breaks my heart to hear of this. You'll both be in my thoughts during the difficult time.