So much loss

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

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So much loss

Postby lucydslaw » Oct 13, 2016 3:55 am

Hi I just wanted to talk to you all here because I know you will understand what I am going though and I am hoping that will help me find peace. I am lucky to have 3 beautiful children 3, 8 & 15 all three with HG, however the last pregnancy was particularly bad the sickness didn't stop until the placenta was delivered and I could not function, I could 't work, cook, even washing myself was nearly impossible. However my husband and parents rallied round and although I only saw either the hospital or my bedroom walls I was determined to get to the end. I fought for my son with everything I had. My husband and I were happy with 3 but had a contraceptive failure last Christmas and I found out I was pregnant with number 4. I was terrified when I found out but happy at the same time. I went straight to the doctor to ask for help to get the anti sickness meds started early and to talk about my fears. I was told that I might not need anti sickness drugs and I seemed unsure about the pregnancy to go away and think about it, she said she didn't have time to talk but try a councillor. It was three days later at just over 4 weeks the sickness started and if I thought it couln't get any worse I was mistaken. I quickly found I could not move I was signed off work and just lay in a dark room even light made me sick. At six weeks pregnant I managed to get to the doctor to ask to see a HG specialist and to get medication, I was given a mixture of medications but not any of the steroids or orther meds I had previously. I said I wanted to carry on with the pregnancy but needed help the doctor said it was just sickness and by 12 weeks it would pass. I tried to explain about my previous pregnancies but he said every pregnancy is different and I was just panicking. I went home and spent the next couple of weeks trying to survive, against night and day sickness. At 8 weeks pregnant I realised I needed to be in hospital I was now vomiting blood had lost 2 stone in weight and felt I was slipping away I phoned the hospital and was told I needed a referral from my GP so I went back to my GP the following day and asked to be sent to hospital he said it was just a bit of sickness and he would take a blood test to see if I was really dehydrated. I said I had checked my ketones at home and they were +4 and I needed to be admitted for rehydration. I was sent home, at this point i didn't know if I could carry on and my husband and parents said I should not continue with the pregnancy that it would do perminant damage and my husband who had not been over the moon in the first place about the pregnancy was happy to encourage a termination. I booked into the options clinic to talk about all my options and hoped they may help me. They did a scan and confirmed I was 8 weeks they tried to take blood but couldn't, my blood pressure was almost non existent they talked to me and I decided I couldn't take it any more that perhaps everyone was right that a termination would be best. I signed some forms and heard a muffled conversation by the doctor asking a nurse if they thought i was a fit state of mind to make any decision then i collapsed. I was rushed into hospital needed 7 liters of fluid quickly to keep me alive it took 20 attempts to get a iv line put in. The doctors said that I had damaged my kidneys which has started to shut down and my liver which was trying to cope with a build up of toxins in my blood stream. They noted I had been scheduled for a termination so I did 't get a bed I was just kept in triage until I had been rehydrated enough and then sent home with some more anti sickness meds. I Lasted 2 days at home and needed more fluids again being kept in triage. It went on like this until at 10 weeks I went for the termination. As she gave me the tablet to start the process she said are you sure. I looked at her my parents were sure, my husband was sure, the doctors had said it was for the best but I said I just don't want to be sick anymore I can't do it on my own. She patted my arm and I took the pill. The following 3 days were beyond hell the swirl of hormones resulted in nothing not even my own spit able to stay down. I was back in hospital that night but they didn't know where to put me so again I was treated with almost contempt by the midwives and rehydrated and sent hope at 2 in the morning I had to report to the termination ward at 9am the same day. Exhausted I got there and I must say those staff were very supportive the midwife looking after me had HG with her pregnancy and was both kind and compassionate. Everything went straight forward and I went home that night. I had some complications with a womb infection. Three months of rebuilding my strength let me get back to work. To be honest it wasn't till then that the emotional reality of what had happened hit home and I have not been too good since then. I feel disappointed in myself for not trying harder. Why didn't I have the strength this time round and the guilt is sometimes unbearable. What has made it worse my husband went for a vacetomy as he said he didn't want any more children and couldn't see me do that again. It was like a whole new wave of grief. I begged him not to do it as I just was not ready to make that commitment, he said it was his body and he could do what he liked. He went ahead and in that moment when I realised together we could have no more children he broke my heart and this has broken our marriage. I don't feel like I love him in the same way. I have no idea if I would have wanted to try for more children but having that option was important to me. I know he though he was fixing things but I just feel devastated. I am seeing a councillor now to try and work though my emotions but at this point in time don't know if our marriage can survive this. I understand his reasons and that it was his right but hoped he loved me enough to wait until it was a joint decision. I had just started to grieve for the baby I had lost and was unable to cope with this as well. My husband had complications after the surgery and I supported him throughout his hospital appointments. It took 5 months for the swelling to subside but he is well now. I am not sure where I go from here, I know I can't change the past so must look to the future. I know I need to forgive myself but i am not quite there yet. As for my marriage I will give it time but at the moment its painfull.
Thanks to others who have shared their stories its comforting knowing others have gone though this and felt the same feelings and survived. I think you need three things to suvive a HG pregnancy great determination, family / friend support and good healthcare if one of those bits is missing its very hard if more than one bit is missing its almost impossible.
Thanks
lucydslaw
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