Hi Karen,
From my perspective, you are a BRAVE, BRAVE woman!!! I was nowhere NEAR even wanting to decide to ttc again at the stage you're in!!! I think we always appear (to others) to be doing better than we think we are doing. (like when our dh or friend or family member says "You're doing great!" I personally want to shove a hand full of saltines down their throat! Cuz at no point do I feel like I am doing great!).
God was gracious enough to bless me with twins on my first go-around. I have often felt that that was His sign that I shouldn't go through this again. I, unlike so many of the smart women here, had NO CLUE, no inkling, NO IDEA that I could POSSIBLY be so sick again. I joke that my "preparation" for this pregnancy, after having severe HG with my first, was positive thinking... I POSITIVELY THOUGHT I wouldn't be sick! So, you are so wise to be thinking about all of the issues that come up during an HG pregnancy.
I share your frustration with "normal" pregnancy. I REALLY want to be happy for a pregnant, glowing friend...but I spend most of the time wishing she were half as miserable as me so we could commisserate. Because, the sad fact is that no one can understand this unless they've been through it. And, for our part, we can't expect anyone to truly understand us unless they've gone through it. But, I hate to admit this, I do find myself secretly wishing for pregnant women to have to rush to the bathroom to throw up their salad. (Mostly because I had to totally give up salads this time because of HOW MUCH lettuce hurts coming up! and Salads are my favorite food) I think its normal though...it gives my brain a chance to smile....just thinking about someone else going through this a little bit is a painful thing for me...but again, wishing for one of those people who is very insistent on "eat a few saltines before you get out of bed...don't stand up after you eat them. Wait 15 minutes and then get up and..." You know the routine...and women like that deserve to feel this, even if for a day. LOL, that said, I wouldn't truly wish this on an enemy. But, and this is my biggest lesson learned from both HG and having the blessing of having kids with special needs....Don't question your feelings. Work through them and deal with them as they come...you are having those feelings for a reason... let them be as they need to be. Our negative emotions, when they stem from something as serious as HG (or any illness, the feelings that parents go through dealing with care & treatment of special needs...the big things) can absolutely take on a life of their own if we let them. So, in my experience, dealing with those negative feelings (guilt of not being able to nourish my child in utero, the mental aspect of dealing with physical pain for months on end, etc) needs to happen before we can have the good feelings of being parents, the good feelings of expecting a baby, the good feelings of everyday life!
I'm dealing with deciding whether or not to have a repeat c-section right now. (Well, I'm trying to deal with it, I'm doing more avoiding it right now) and I know that whatever I choose, I need to live with for the rest of my life. I really want a vbac...so I know that I need to be at peace with whatever decision I make. (No pressure there! LOL) And, because I am AFRAID of this decision, and because I'm trying to avoid making it (mostly by lying to myself telling myself that the baby will come in the next week all on his own! LOL), I am NOT dealing with these feelings... not healthy for me, and I know the stress is not good for the baby. I'm going to be "there" soon, and need to work through this, and I know that... but I also know that I just have to deal with it in my time. The same is true for you. You are having a hard time with this now. Soon, you will have thought about it so much that your head will hurt and it will go on the back burner for a few days (weeks, months...whatever) and it will resurface and it will do so at a time when you might be more ready to deal with it. No one can make this decision for you, but whatever you decide, know that there is a group of women you can run to who really has been there before and really does get it.
Also, my twins are 4. It took me quite a while to actually come to this decision... you do have time to decide, so try not to feel pressure that you HAVE to make a decision now. Work through these feelings and be comfortable and at peace with your decision. Hugs, and I am thinking about you!!!
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Uhwh warehouse