Babyshoe wrote:I'm back. I want to support all the ladies here, but I'm so busy with a 3 year old and a 3 month old. I don't know how to find any extra time and don't know how mom's of 3 or more do it!
Post HG from this pregnancy is very different from my HG last. Things loom over me even though I try to overcome them orkeep them away. For 9 months, I was on TPN through my PICC line. I lost almost a year with my 3 year old. I had a PICC infection in my last month and such bad amemia at birth that I was 2 points away from a blood transfusion.
How can I get past this? I'm so thankful for the beautiful and perfect daughter that was a product of this trama, as well as my first born from moderate HG. However, I feel so many mixed emotions.
The guilt of having little to no bonding with my older child breaks my heart. We were so unbelivebly close. Now, she's almost a stranger to me in some of her behaviors. My mom and husband did a great job keeping her happy when I was sick, but didn't raise her the way I would have. Now I'm trying to provide her with limits, structure, and fun. I find myself questioning if her "new" behaviors are due to just turning 3 or if they are from the transition of "losing" her gradmother as caretaker and getting mommy back. I've over extended myselft between the holidays and her birthday to try to make up for lost time and for the guilt.
My baby is perfect! She has a great temperment and is huge! She loves to eat and I've been fighting to provide her sensitive tummy with breastmilk. I gave up trying to nurse and have been torturing myself with pumping for the past 3 months. If makes a huge difference in her personality so I pump on, even though I'd like to quit and take the easy road. I have no issues with formula, but my baby's tummy does
I still have triggers. In the mall, I smelled popcorn and heaved all the way home. Certain words trigger memories. My skin around my picc scar still itches since I had a terrible rash under the dressing for months (allergies to the dressings since my body was literally shutting down). I've replaced all of my towels (aka spit rags) and anything else that reminds me of my pregnancy, but it still finds ways of haunting me.
Yet, when others ask how I'm doing, I'm quick to say great! I am great. I am no longer fighting the terrible HG battle and so things feel so good. Just randomly, I feel the terrible effects of the past year. How do I overcome it? I hate to dwell on it and am trying to challenge myself when I feel an HG barrier. When will it stop feeling so fresh and feel like it's in the past. Oddly enough, in other ways it feels so long ago. WTH?
To anyone that just read this novel, thank you and I'm sorry! I just needed to get it off my chest and I know this is the only place I will not be judged and the women will understand. Thank you for listening Xoxo to all of my fellow HGers!
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